Why Strict Parenting Doesn’t Work—And What to Do Instead

Parenting tweens and teens can feel like navigating a minefield. Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, their natural drive for independence kicks in. Suddenly, they’re pushing back against your rules, questioning your values, and asserting themselves in ways that can feel frustrating or even defiant.

If you’ve looked for advice on how to handle this stage, you’ve probably come across the same old recommendations:

• "As a parent, you need to control your child’s behavior."
• "Ground them when they step out of line."
• "Take their phone away so they know who’s boss."
• "Remove their bedroom door so they can’t hide anything from you."
• "Strip their room down to just a bed—then they’ll learn."

These methods rely on control, punishment, and dominance. The goal? To make kids obey.

But here’s the truth: Children don’t learn respect through punishment. They learn fear, resentment, and how to go behind your back to get what they want. Instead of fostering emotional resilience, these tactics create frustration, anger, and negative coping patterns that can last into adulthood.

The Problem With Strict Parenting

Strict parenting may seem effective in the short term—kids comply to avoid punishment. But in the long run, it weakens the parent-child relationship and stifles emotional growth.

Instead of raising respectful, emotionally secure kids, this approach often leads to:

❌ Suppressed authenticity – Kids learn to hide their true thoughts and feelings.
❌ Lack of emotional regulation – They don’t learn how to process emotions healthily.
❌ Struggles with trust and connection – The parent-child bond becomes one of authority vs. submission rather than mutual respect.

So if strict parenting doesn’t work, what does?

A Better Approach: Gentle, Respectful Parenting

The way children learn healthy ways of relating to others isn’t through control—it’s through connection. They develop emotional intelligence by watching how we handle conflict, boundaries, and relationships.

Gentle parenting isn’t about letting kids “get away” with bad behavior. It’s about setting boundaries with respect, fostering open communication, and modeling the behavior we want to see.

Here’s what that looks like in action:

✅ Set boundaries with empathy
Instead of: "Do what I say because I said so."
Try: "I understand you’re upset, but we still need to be kind to each other."

✅ Encourage open dialogue
Instead of: "Because I’m the parent, that’s why."
Try: "Let’s talk about why this rule exists and why it’s important."

✅ Model emotional regulation
Instead of yelling, show your child how to handle frustration calmly. They’re watching how you manage emotions—and they’ll learn from your example.

✅ Validate their feelings
Instead of dismissing their emotions ("Stop overreacting."), acknowledge them ("I see that you’re really upset about this. Let’s figure it out together.").

✅ Teach accountability, not blind obedience
Rather than punishing mistakes, guide them toward making better choices by helping them understand the impact of their actions.

Breaking Cycles & Parenting Ourselves

Gentle parenting isn’t easy. In fact, it’s much harder than strict parenting because it requires us, as parents, to grow too.

It means being willing to pause, reflect, and ask: Am I reacting out of habit, or am I responding in a way that aligns with the kind of parent I want to be?

It means recognizing that the way we were raised may not have given us the tools we need—but we have the power to break the cycle.

Not because our parents were bad, but because they didn’t always have the knowledge or resources to do things differently.

And that’s what makes this work so important.

The Future Starts With Us

When we choose connection over control, we raise kids who feel safe, heard, and respected. And when they feel that from us, they carry it into the world.

That’s how we change the future—one gentle conversation at a time.

Integrative Somatic Therapist + Coach Greteljane Coaching Reconnecting Familes www.greteljanecoaching.com.au

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